Boomshakalaka

slydig:

there will only be 7 planets left after i destroy uranus 

snapchatting:

snapchatting:

wtf is sex??

hungarian:

*uses mascara on my pubes*

coconutdead:

“youre just bleeding because you dont floss,” my murderer says as he stabs me in the arm repeatedly 

(Source: rapbattles)

buttholeos:

i was checking out at target and this guy was being really flirty with me and his nametag said rosemarie so when i left i said “have a good night rosemarie” and he said “rosemarie??” and i pointed to his nametag and he said fuck very loud then said “they are always fucking doing this to me”

tapdancers:

saw a man at the beach drowning. he yelled ”help, shark, help.” i just laughed. that shark wont help him

pembroke:

buttercup’s reaction to getting money is similar to my own

thesickestjokes:

When a girl says she has experimented with girls, that does not necessarily mean she’s bi.

She may just be an evil scientist.

veryghostlythoughts:

Today while at work a guy came in and brought 10 dozen eggs. After I gave him his change and the last bag of eggs he looked at me with the most serious expression ever and said “eggcellent” before walking away and I swear in that moment I had never been happier to sell a man eggs